Difficult Conversations

   How to Discuss What Matters Most

Review of Three Mistakes in Difficult Conversations:
1. That "What happened" is factual and my view of the matter is right. We must have a curiosity about the other's view and shift to a learning conversation.  Shift to a "and stance" acknowledging both your view and their (differing view).

2. The second mistake is that we assume we know what the other persons intentions are.

3. The third mistake focus on blame rather than mapping each persons joint responsibility in contributing to the situation and changes that may need to be made to resolve it.

Feelings
Difficult conversations are difficult because there are feelings involved. Expressing emotions is risky, however. Thus, many people frame difficult conversations in ways that ignore their emotional content. Unexpressed feelings can leak back into conversation, and can preoccupy people so that they are unable to be good listeners. The solution is for the parties to identify and understand their feelings, negotiate them, and share them clearly.

It can be hard to know what one is feeling. Simple emotional labels can mask complex bundles of feeling. Often people translate their feelings into judgments, characterizations and attributions about the other person. The need to blame often indicates unexpressed emotions. Understanding and reevaluating the thoughts, perceptions and beliefs that gave rise to the emotions enables us to negotiate with our own feelings, shifting or moderating them. The first step in expressing feelings is to acknowledge that they are an important part of the situation, whether they are "rational" or not. Parties should convey the full range and complexity of their feelings, and they should avoid rushing to evaluate the feelings expressed. To be effective sharing requires that the parties acknowledge each other's feelings.